Run a Fire Tunnel, Say a Hail Mary.

we are on our way to being either ridiculous or bitter

A good friend of mine received a cancer diagnosis a couple days ago so at church when it was time to pray for those who were sick, we prayed for my friend. As I put my hand on his upper back and as I began to pray for the miracle working power of God to enter my friend’s body I heard a mocking voice inside my head saying “Why are you bothering to pray for healing? What good will that do? You are an idiot.” and I resolved right then and there to just be an idiot. Life is difficult and hard to understand but I know how to be abased. I am resolved to pray all the prayers and I am going to ask God for all the help. It’s ridiculous to believe God for intervention but I am determined to live being ridiculous rather than clever because if I’m honest, my attempts at cleverness are just my feeble ego trying to nourish itself. I have realized that often my thoughts about God and what he will and won’t do are developed in the reality of being disappointed by him, by his unwillingness to seemingly remain a non-interventionist. This is not really something we can steer clear of but if we can stay aware of the persistent dynamic that the nature of our relationship with God is NOT predictable or formulaic then we can at least try to avoid making idols out of our disappointments. Maybe we can remain friends with God and maybe we can develop a bit of tenderness toward him.

Thinking about this I realize that there are two things that I am always working to maintain more than an ongoing engagement with the living God: my reputation as a reasonable person and, my penchant for avoiding any more disappointment. Thankfully though, each of these tendencies are mere fodder for the fire of God’s love (and inevitably so). God is not going to shield us from life and all of it’s absurdities, neither is he going to protect us from his love. What he is doing is not easy to ascertain but it is also not preventable. The will of God is that none should perish. So in the meantime, give me all the disappointment, Lord, if you must.

On our drive home from church Amy and I were talking over the morning: our crushed hearts, our deep satisfaction, the great sadness and the great joy of being members of the Body of Christ, the great privilege and honor it is to get to help carry our brothers and sisters through this life. We concluded that really we only know this: After we die we will have no more chances to love God from impossible circumstances, so even if all of our prayers go unanswered, GOD WE THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THESE DAYS!